12 reasons why making abortions illegal is the best news ever!
The overturning of Roe v Wade means that not only will millions of Americans lose the right to end a pregnancy, but that worldwide abortion is once again a political issue rather than a personal medical one. Closer to home, people in Northern Ireland still can't access many abortion services. While some people are horrified by these regressive actions - I think they're great. Here’s why I think a world without access to safe abortions offers exciting opportunities for us all!
If attempting to have an abortion is made illegal, the US might finally provide women with proper maternity leave, just in a federal prison.
Everyone knows the medical profession has become easy and boring. How about spicing it up by forcing doctors to consider legal consequences while making life or death decisions for women miscarrying or suffering ectopic pregnancies? Imagine the drama as trained legal experts shout technical questions at surgeons while they make high pressure critical medical choices. Just to ensure the doctor can practise how they’ll defend their actions in a courtroom. Laminated wipe clean legal textbooks to consult to check if they’ll face prison time! Sign me up to the ER meets Ally McBeal crossover we deserve.
It's great news for trans women. As a society we’re going to need as many people as possible to use women’s public bathrooms just to make sure no one is bleeding to death in them! Sorry JK Rowling, we’re going to need the entire sisterhood to take a shift on this one.
More anti abortion stand-up gigs! I know I’m biassed on this one, but they really are my favourite nights to play on the circuit. Most comedy club insist you do a tried and tested set that you’ve spent years perfecting but anti-abortion nights follow a different criteria. They do not see the difference between a polished killer headline set and the very beginnings of something that might one day be funny. After all, all routines start out as words so what’s the difference? They’re happy to pay the same fee for comedy gold as for words, phrases and even just guttural noises howled into the microphone. They just have to have the potential to be funny.
Why stop at controlling women’s reproductive parts? There are so many other ways our bodies can be used for the service of all. We don’t need that extra kidney we’re all selfishly hoarding - so why not donate it to medical science? You don’t even have to use them. Maybe men could freeze dry them and use them as paper weights. Do we really need two lungs? Sure, we’ll be wheezier but hopefully our voices won’t be as shrill and annoying. Think of the weight we’ll lose ladies! Am I right?! How about we use our vaginas to hold mobile charging packs? Men - if you're running low on battery, how reassuring to know you can just grab a passing woman and stick your cable in a cavity and ten minutes later, you're good to go. Now that’s the future!
The American right hate abortions but what do they love - guns! Why not have a lottery system where women who want an abortion engage in a high noon wild west style shoot out where the doctor aims a pistol at their uterus? If he hits the target, the pregnancy is over and even if he misses, at least the woman’s death will be quicker and less painful than if she tried to do it at home.
Thanks to all those dead mothers, impoverished children and stepmothers, it's going to be a boom time for new Disney princesses. And the unwanted children in orphanages are going to form amazing Bugsy Malone style street gangs.
Since we seem to have decided women can only control their reproductive rights by sharing some of the most traumatic moments in their life, as if body autonomy is some sort of reality TV singing competition, why not include men? How about before men can buy condoms, they have to tell a random woman the most upsetting conversation they ever had with their dad? If she thinks it's upsetting enough, he gets a condom token to take to the chemist.
Is a pregnancy unviable? Worried about the trauma caused by being forced to give birth to a child who won’t survive? Don’t worry, hospitals will still legally be able to provide you with vision boards and inspirational podcasts to help you.
It’s a great time for people with a strong gut instinct about life-or-death health complications and no medical training. For example, I have a theory that nut allergies are fine as long as the person who claims it will kill them, just doesn’t know it’s in their food. I call it my “Wile E Coyote can run in the air as long as he doesn’t look down” rule. If we’re now basing laws that will kill people purely on hunches, I’d like to ban all nut warnings for ten years just to see if I’m right. I’m sure I can find some religious text to back me up, Scientology is sure to have something on it.
It's just great that men have turned such an important emotional part of women’s health into a chance to pontificate on when exactly life begins like they're about to impress Samuel Johnson at a dinner party. If we’re going to introduce complex philosophical questions with no objective answers into medical care - why stop with abortions? I believe treatment of prostate cancer should be put on hold, until we as a society have decided what really happened at the end of The Sopranos. Sure, some men might complain, say it's not appropriate for me to picket outside cancer hospitals, that the ending was intentionally ambiguous, that we’re supposed to decide for ourselves whether Tony was dead or whether the cut to black just represented the ephemeral nature of life and the limits of TV to fully encapsulate its complexities. But until this is hammered out, I just cannot in good conscience allow your dad's lifesaving treatment to go ahead. SAD FACE!
One thing is for sure. We’re about to enter into the golden age of pregnancy true crime podcasts.
Here are some fantastic charities if you want to help: