New Year Resolutions Part 2 - The Empire Strikes Back
New Year’s Resolutions are best made in February; give yourself time to get a grasp of the type of year 2022 is going to be, who you need to be, and also by now most of the Christmas chocolate should be eaten so It’s easier to be healthy.
Here, after the first five, are my final resolutions for the year.
6. I will not doom scroll
In a time when discussing mental health has never been cooler, ‘envy’ stubbornly resists gentrification. Envy and jealousy are the Williams sisters of humiliating character flaws. Everyone has anxiety nowadays, depression can be spun as cool, but being jealous of other people’s success or resentful that it didn't happen to you, is never cute. Tweet as bravely as you want, be a pioneer trying to courageously plough crops in unfriendly terrain, but no one will ever retweet you. There will be no “Same 😂” for you.
No one wants to be known as ‘the envious one’. No brilliant regional detective will ever have envy as his quirky flaw, sabotaging his personal life and ruining his career. A maverick cop, played by James Nesbitt, solving crime in Milton Keynes, a beautiful mind, the best on the beat, crippled by a fatal flaw, an inability to not compare his work in progress with everyone else’s showreel.
“Dammit Serge, the Roundabout Ripper has struck again - you need to get off Instagram! Compare and despair Guv, compare and despair!”
I used to think, even if it made me feel like my soul had fallen down a well, I had to force myself to go on all the websites and twitter feeds that made me feel like crap. I thought it was better to face up to reality, jump into the bracing water of my own worst fears and get it over with. There was more dignity meeting dispiriting news head on with gritted teeth and shaking iPhone than risk stumbling across it, in the wild, unaware. Ideally when I was about to fall asleep or already reeling from something else. Going on a comedy industry website makes me feel like George Bailey at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life but instead of everybody being sad and worse off because I don’t exist, my community is thriving and E4 have commissioned another female topical lead panel show. And I am so happy for everyone involved in the project!
I even thought that since talking about ‘failure’ is popular, why not make a podcast about envy? And then I imagined exactly what that would sound like. Guests listing more and more people that got the breaks they thought they should, times they felt overlooked, spiralling deeper and deeper into darker vats of syruppy self-pity. I realised the recordings of cult leader Jim Jones' final White Nights tapes where he urged his doomed followers to down poisoned Kool Aid would be a more relaxing, inspirational listen.
Envy is a toxic, corroding acid with absolutely no benefits and can be lethal. So in order to avoid it you have to protect yourself like it’s bleach under the sink and you're a precious baby. It’s just not worth poking your precious nose in any places that might have asbestos for the soul. Ignorance truly is bliss. Literally anything is a better use of your time. When I feel drawn to the euphoria of a good self-harm doom scroll, I watch YouTube tutorials by teenagers about what Korean skincare products are worth the price tag. The moment passes and I feel so much calmer, it's about as much use for my career as googling comedy clubs that don’t book me and my skin has never looked better.
Did you know?
The Statue of Liberty was originally copper, but turned green from seeing so many people have a lovely time in NYC without her.
7. I will not get upset when the woman threading my eyebrows asks if I want my chin hair done too
Instead I will make eye contact with her in the salon mirror and with as much dignity as I can muster, reply calmly “Thanks but you are not part of my chin hair removal journey.”
Then I will look up laser hair removal on Groupon on the walk home, forget about it, and the next time I pass a mirror with a lot of direct sunlight, panic and trim my chin with the kitchen scissors. Like a lady.
8. I will nurture better underwear standards
I’ve never got into the habit of elaborately coordinated underwear; the only time my knickers and bra match is because of some slot machine style mathematical miracle. But dammit, I need some standards. I will throw out old knickers when they’ve been washed and bleached so much, the crotch looks like an old treasure map. As much as I might wish, I do not live in the American frontier. I don't need to cling onto them in case Ma needs the cotton to blinker a frisky horse. They are not family heirlooms I might want to leave to a favourite godchild or donate to The Victoria and Albert Museum. Instead I’ll bury them at sea like the brave soldiers they are. Thank you for your service.
My new Victoria’s Secret range.
9. I will remember “sorry” is the easiest word
I cannot emphasise this enough, “sorry” is your friend. It is magic. When you've hurt someone’s feelings, been an idiot and made a mistake, a heartfelt genuine apology is like melted cheese; suddenly everything is better. Everyone likes people who admit they're in the wrong. It is the most flattering of lighting. You take a shot of humility and it’s done. I live in a permanent state of shiftiness. I’m convinced I’m wrong 99% of the time so, honestly, just being able to belch that out every once in a while is a gift. And what can the other person say back? There is no comeback to a good from the gut apology; you are golden until obviously the next time when you have to say it again.
The second overlooked magic of “I'm sorry” is how excellent it is for getting attention when you're bored. Over lockdown, me and my boyfriend both worked from home. Sometimes I would go HOURS without any attention whatsoever, while he tip-tapped away at his boring laptop practically BLANKING me. Then I discovered a secret trick that unlocked attention; all I had to do was creep over, hover by his shoulder and quiveringly announce “I'm sorry.” BOOM! Spotlight! Chair! Bowler Hat! Finger snap! No one can ignore an unexpected “I’m sorry” sniper attack. Under his rapt attention, I felt like I was in a one woman production of Chicago while I slowly dragged out, off the top of my head, what it was that I did. Usually I’d finally slowly reveal I’d forgotten to get toilet roll. Yes, it only worked about three times before he’d hear me padding over and without taking his eyes from his laptop shout “get lost” but what a run I had!
Looking for attention when I’m bored.
10. Remind everyone that people in the past lived to be about as long as we do now
Listen up and listen good, the ‘average’ life expectancy in the past is only low because of infant mortality dragging down the mean. If you survived childhood, you lived about as long as you would now. If I overhear one more person, wandering round a graveyard on a Sunday afternoon say; “Oh wow. This says Fanny Crabcakes lived to be 80 years old, in 1786 that most have been crazy old!” Listen to yourself you stupid bitch, that’s the third gravestone you’ve made the exact same comment about in the past hour. Can you even hear yourself???
People in the past did not keel over of old age at 32. Being over 50 didn’t make you dead. It was the past, not Live at The Apollo.
Why is this issue important enough for me to make talking about it an actual new year’s resolution? Every great person had their cause; Princess Diana had landmines, Mariah Carey has fighting the very concept of ageing. When I die I want people to say “Did you know before Gráinne’s campaign to raise awareness there was a common misconception that people in the past lived relatively short lives but thanks to her activism, campaigning and ice bucket challenges we now all know, in reality, live expectancy was about the same as we enjoy now.” What a legacy! In fact I want my achievement carved into my own gravestone as a reminder, should anyone from the future presume to patronise our generation, that actually, our life expectancy wasn't that much different from theirs. You're welcome!
Unless, modern science really does crack the code of ageing and in the future everyone lives to be 500. Then I’ll admit, the whole endeavour might have been a terrible mistake.
Read my first five resolutions here!
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