Pimp my Proverbs
Hi my dears, I am so sorry it’s been such a long time since my last newsletter; truth be told I’ve been recovering from a major bout of cosmetic surgery. My plan was to relaunch myself into society with a glamorous new face. Tens of thousands of pounds, the most exclusive surgeons in a secret salon in Switzerland and months of convalescence by a lake in Geneva seemed a worthwhile investment in a new me. So you can imagine my disappointment when they finally unwrapped my bandages and I discovered I’d sent Dr. Frankenfurter the wrong picture. I thought I’d sent him a photo of Kate Beckinsale but I’d accidentally put my phone in selfie mode and pinged him a picture of myself LOOKING at a picture of Beckinsale. So instead of looking like the star of the Underworld series, I now look like me, only slightly more jealous. Oh well, onwards and upwards. At least it gave me time to think. So, here are some phrases in the English language that need their own facelift.
1. Ghosted
‘Ghosted’ is the verb we use to describe someone you're seeing romantically who suddenly vanishes from your life without explanation. The only problem with that definition is that disappearing without warning is the exact opposite of what a ghost famously does. Ghosts, say what you like about them, linger.
So what should ‘ghosted’ mean? Well, do you suddenly experience a cold, frosty atmosphere in your home for no reason with someone impossible to communicate with? Are you irritated by a presence in your house randomly turning lights on in the middle of the night, draining your energy and moving things without asking you? Then you’ve been ghosted. And by ghosted, I mean, congratulations - you're in a long-term relationship. Ask yourself, why do so many brides on their wedding day dress like a ghost?
When someone vanishes without explanation instead of being ‘ghosted’, you should say you've been ‘Samatha Mumaba’d’. You don’t know what happened, one minute they were everywhere and the next minute - POOF! You’re left devastated, bereft, wondering what happened and hoping beyond all hope, that wherever they are, they're happy.
My wedding dress.
2. You can't take it with you
This is the phrase used to warn you of the dangers of putting too much emphasis on material things because when you die, you cannot take your fortune with you. Well, I have bad news for you babycakes, when you die you can’t take ANYTHING with you. That includes love from your family, all those books you trudged through, and the chiselled abs you spent all those years crunching in the gym. GONE. In fact, one of the very few things that you can take with you are the satin lined coffin you're buried in or the bronze urn you're stored in. And of course, the coins they put over your eye sockets for drama. You can be literally buried in gold if you want. Egyptians were buried with the entire contents of their local Argos superstore. In fact, my plan is to be buried with all my money so that my grave becomes a notorious ‘X’ on a treasure map and I can finally become popular with pirates.
3. A picture is worth a thousand words
This is true but sadly that picture is an NFT and the thousand words are journalists trying to explain what it is.
4. The best things in life are free
Nothing good is free. Love, friendship, a child's adoring gaze, you really think they come without a price? That’s all parenting podcasts bang on about. We get it, you hate your kids! Can you move on and at least try to solve ONE murder cold case so your podcast has some sort of narrative arc?
The minute something is free we cease to value or respect it. Have you seen how people treat public toilets? You only respect a free thing that you are either given or have stolen and this is only because the real price hovers over it like a phantom limb.. For centuries, doctors told us that water is the cure for everything and we rolled our eyes and yawned. Then they found a way of selling us a bottle of water for £5 and we all immediately became convinced it would make us look like a photoshopped Jennifer Aniston. We turned something that falls from the sky into a status symbol because there was a price tag on it. A coat bought when we were feeling flush is carefully hung up in our wardrobe like a Warhol original while that bargain we got in a charity shop is contemptuously flung on the floor and treated like a Victorian orphan. “Don’t you dare compliment these rags” we snap, if anyone dares make eye contact with it. “This rag was 50p! It could never have my love.” Some of the greatest films in history are on Youtube right now FOR FREE but will you watch them? Or will you wait until they're rereleased in the cinema and you can pay £15 to see them because someone has told you that some guy called Charlie Chaplin is worth a punt? This is why we can't have good things, let alone “the best”.
5. Cleanliness is next to godliness
Cleanliness is next to godliness only because both groups, tidy people and religious folk, often mistake it for having a personality. Bragging about being OCD isn't an endearing character quirk, it’s not a humble brag, it doesn't make you Monica from Friends. Cleanliness is like godliness only because it’s only useful if you’ve accidentally murdered someone and want to feel like it’s something you can move on from. Deep down life is an uncontrollable dirty chaotic mess; cleaning and religion simply provide the illusion of control. I only notice how messy everything is when I’m stressed, depressed, or avoiding work. It’s either cleaning the sink or googling “how to become Amish” on Youtube. We know both are just temporary solutions before the chaos of life returns.
Cleaning product spokesperson or cult leader?
6. Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right
Are you kidding me - is there a better feeling in the world than discovering you're not the only person who did something wrong? The relief! The spontaneous kinship! One person forgetting to bring a birthday present to a party is a monster, two people is proof that maybe the invitation was confusing and much bigger structural problems are at play. Now the issue is INSTITUTIONAL. One person doing something wrong is the villain, two people…well in many ways, maybe THEY'RE the real victims in all this.
7. A moment on the hips, a lifetime on the hips
After I’ve eaten a meal, I am genuinely convinced I’ll never feel hungry again. It feels like an old life receding into the distance. My jeans straining at the zip, my breath heavy, I simply cannot imagine ever wanting food again. I’ve completed it, it’s finished. It feels like a problem I've finally solved. I think “Isn’t it weird that I ever ate food?” In my head, I've finally become one of those girls who forget to eat. From now on, I’ll maybe just drink juices. I put my fridge up on eBay. That’s my old life, I have no use for it now. I think of what I’ll do with all this extra time. Maybe I’ll finally learn Spanish? Eating feels so tacky, what was I thinking? And then some time passes and my spirits start to descend. Have I become too glamorous? Too cheekboned? I try to concentrate but my new angular shoulder blades keep distracting me. I start feeling so sad and down. So just to be on the safe side, I down a coffee with a Mars bar chaser. It's all about balance.
How I envisage my future 2 minutes after finishing a pizza.
8. God moves in mysterious ways
This is true, but mainly he’s a very old white man so of course he’s a bad dancer. Leave him alone! The devil has all the best tunes. All god has is Cliff Richard. And maybe stop being so patronising? “Mysterious” indeed. Just say “embarrassing”, he knows what you mean.
Like my newsletters? I have a new podcast about celebrity breakups! Every week, a different comedian delves into a famous break-up they never got over. Brad and Jen, Mick and Marianne, Ellen and Anne - they’re all there! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll laugh again. Subscribe here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-way-they-were/id1598595577
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