I'm Honestly Happy Dying Alone
Single people in your area looking for love and wanting to go on a date with you?
Gross, right?
Is there anything more revolting than a stranger who wants validation from you? Get away from me you needy loser zombies! I already feel like I can't breathe!
We know there is nothing more stomach churning than opening a dating app and being bombarded with the pathetic open earnest faces of dead-beats looking for love.
It's almost like they are proud to be as lonely as they are. Have you heard of something called dignity? You like travelling, spending time with nature and are excited about a good book? Well, your profile makes me want to travel into the woods with a good book about shooting myself in the face!
Our mission is to take the trauma out of dating, Tinder without the triggers - that’s why we’ve launched the dating app for you - “I’m Honestly Happy Dying Alone”.
Who wants to admit they want to be wanted? Why should dating apps remind you that you’re a disgusting needy little rat baby bleating “love me, love me” while the world looks on horrified and repulsed?
We’re the only dating app where we guarantee less than 25% percent of our profiles are actually looking to meet someone special. The rest are uninterested, doing it for a dare or already in a relationship and just want to remind themselves how much admin is involved in being single.
We promise no bathroom selfies, no windsurfing pictures, no cute dogs.
Our app immediately refuses any photos where anyone is making eye contact, so it looks like you’ve been rejected already.
We guarantee no smiles will reach any eyes.
The only facial expressions allowed are “someone trying to remember where they know you from”, “I don’t get why you think that’s funny” or “Regency hauteur”.
When you do match with someone, don’t panic - you won’t have to message right away. Our system puts you through a series of fun challenges where the person you liked lists three things they find weird about your profile, plus a compliment…but wait - is it *really* a compliment?
We’ve also added a safety measure where dates can only be arranged via riddles with clues that can only be found on their ex’s Instagram page. Get scrolling!
Our messaging feature means you will only hear from the person you’ve matched with at random moments and they’ll never reference the last message you sent. Think of it like a pop-up mindfulness meditation prompt except it will guarantee you will be unable to think of anything else for the rest of the day.
Upgrade for premium features!
Match with the best-looking people fighting terminal diseases in your area on the Death Wish tab. All of the drama - none of the commitment. Plus, a great way of explaining to family members why no, you won’t have a plus one for Christmas. Not because they can't make it, but because they didn’t.
Try the Out of my league super swipe! Does this person really like me or have their friends just accused them of being shallow and they want to make a point?
Or our exclusive service for people who don’t have time to mess about - the Trauma Bond Section. Skip the faff and we’ll find the singleton who best matches the parental figure you had the most disorganised attachment bond with! Get ready to already feel like you know them already!
“I’m Honestly Happy Dying Alone” is the perfect dating app for anyone who’s ever thought vulnerability isn’t MY strength Brenee Brown - I’m tired!.
This app will drain your phone's battery or/and possibly expose all your passwords on the dark web.
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